why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
We're too hungover to prance.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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