you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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