If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
