Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
