After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
