He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
