Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
