I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
