I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I currently don't understand fingers.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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