Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
