I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
