Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
