I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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