Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
