Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
