So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize