He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
