Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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