so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
