I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
