If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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