I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
