I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
