hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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