You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
