so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
