I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
