I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
