she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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