you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
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