my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Welp...herpes.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
