Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
