apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
