did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize
