Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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