I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Randomize
