You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
