Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
