That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
