She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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