you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
