; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
