I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
