I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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