happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
