community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
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