shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
