So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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