dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
