I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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