I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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